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marriage problem - usmle123789
#1
hi.
whatever i am going to tell you guys is very imp for all of you who look for short cuts like me.i had to gather lot of courage to post such type of message and break my privacy but i got lot of help from this forum so its my time to return you guys.
my intro is i am an img and belong to poor family.
as a shortcut i married to american citizen just to change my visa status.i got 254 step1 and 264step2 and waiting for cs result.i belong to poor family so my father took loan from different people and firms for my step1 and step2 fee plus my hostel accomodation and my living expenses.i did not want to do usmle myself bcz of my financial issues but i was a brilliant gold medalst in my medical college so my mother and father wanted me to do that bcz one of my cousin got residency even with low scores.....after step 1 and 2 we were lilke financially broke and couldnt arrange enough money to show to embasy for cs visa.
at that time some family from ny approached me that they want her daughter to get marry with him,she was like awsum before my marriage but after our marriage she started saying like this that i am nothing and i married to her bcz of nationality..being on weaker side i tried to convince her but she was just like rude,i told her mother about this after that she dosnt directly say me such things but she just give f*** whatever i say to her.now she is neither good nor bad.i feel my life horrible,,,,my family is like religious plus i am man of principles plus his family gave me 3 thousnad dollars which was like 3 crores to me at that time so i dont want to give her divorce bcz now she doesnt say me weired things but but whatever she said me before and his attitude like giving me constant headache.in my home country i used to keep on thinking that what i have done to my lifeeeeeeee...
so guys after coming to usa i realized that money or coming to usa is not as important as your marriage bcz after marriage 99.99% of your happines depend on your spouse.so please please please dont compromise on your marrige.dont fix the match of your marriage.
if i leave her then its god promisse that i will go back to my home country bcz the money as i doctor i earn in my home country will not let me loose my dignity plus i dont want that my future kids will also have attitude like in this part of world.
i am just sick of my life.i myself ruined my life.
i am still giving chance to my wife bcz of that help that his parents did of 3 thousand dollars to me..
moral::: dont compromise on chosing your life partner,your whole life depend on this,being a doctor you can earn good money in any part of world
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#2
some his / and her mistakes...i am male and my american citizen wife z female ofcourse.after being emotional i wrote that like in a min or 2 so sorry for his/her mistakes
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#3
Thanks for sharing. The story is not much different from most of the similar stories I heard before.
Moral: Marry the human being, not the PASSPORT.
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#4
definitely...if someone posted such type of message in my time then i m sure i must not have done such type of mistake.this is why i posted my experience so that i can save any life....hmmm now i realize that money or coming to usa not as imp as compared to my marital mental satisfaction,sometimes i feel that my brain z going to blast ..hmmmmmmm.
you get a single life to live so live it as it desrve
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#5
ok...i had the opposite drama....i am not going to reveal my painful personal details here but i want to tell you one thing....

You state that your happiness depends on your spouse?? This is absolutely wrong concept. First you need to get this in your head that throughout life your happiness depends on YOU. Your spouse has nothing to do with your hapinesss. You first need to be happy with yourself. Only then you can make others happy.

Now to your problem. If you married for money or greencard then you are paying the price for it. Every thing you do has consequences. Now nobody can tell u that u r nothing!!...I was fixed to marry a guy from india and i am a us citizen ...and i was willing to leave everything in the world for him!!...and still he used to say that i am nothing even though I was much superior to him in every way. In the end he ended up dumping me right before the marriage which was a huge blessing in disguise for me. But for the sake of keeping the marriage I tolerated his abusive words of criticism everyday in India...which is extremely unusual for a US Citizen girl like me. So, I know what you are going through....

What you need to do is sit down with that girl and work things out. Talk to her. Ask her what frustrates her so much that she is taking it out on you. Is it the money? What is it? You are her husband now. Ask her what will make her happy. Is she satisfied in the marriage? May be she needs marriage counseling...If she is not willing to work this marriage out or if she wants to run away from the situation like a coward (like my Ex- fiance did!!)...then it is a shame on her part!!...It is her marriage also. Does she care to maintain it
?...You said you are religious...may be u can go to a religious priest (or whoever your leader is) also to work it out. I am personally not a believer in divorce . So I am asking you to work it out. Life is full of ups and downs ...but people bound in marriage and holy matrimony should stick with each other thick and thin. That itself will build a love bond between the two. May be give her her own time and space. May be someday she will change. And stop using that $3000 as an excuse to tolerate abuse throughout life. Give it back if you can so that it does not stand in your way making you feel guilty forever!!...Its like dowry.....Guys take dowry and then throw the woman out keeping all the dowry....Thats why all the guys out there should not accept anything from the girl's side!!...Otherwise whole life you will have to live with this feeling!!....Anyway....just try to make things work out with her. You are husband and wife. You have to live together. Ask her what makes her happy...Do that...Go out on a romantic date...Be the man that she would want in her dreams....try your best to do that. Good Luck!
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#6
Most of these problems arise from superiority complex.....People in other parts of the world are threatened by the fact that we are US Citizens....They get complex or whatever u want to call it...They think only their country is best and they try to impose that on their partner all the time....instead of focussing on love. I was focussing on love and I even travelled to India to get it....but my stupid ex-fiance would insult USA all day in my face...If they hate our country so much why do they even think of marrying us??!!...And likewise, if your wife thinks that you are "nothing" why did she even marry you??...It makes me really angry ....

Basically people should marry in their own region...not travel across country to find love!!..The other person has grown up in a completely different culture, completely different mindset....and there will ALWAYS be problems adjusting with the person from another country. I am Indian origin but there is no way in hell that I can get along with those traditional Indian guys raised in India any more. I have closed my doors to them after my horrible experience. I will marry here in USA only now.
In any case, you are married....you have to work it out now...Accept these differences as a part of your life and make it work. Good Luck.
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#7

@shinerock: u r clearly not married? cuz after marriage, ur happiness DOES depend on ur spouse. it is a blessing what happened to u...cuz if he was treating u that way before marriage, it wudve gotten alot worse after marriage. everyone prolly blamed u for it cuz somehow in indian culture, everything is the girl's fault. i know what u went through cuz i'm a us citizen girl & now going through the same thing married to a guy from india. he is horrible. and like u said it's extremely unusual for people raised here to put up with that.
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#8

@shinerock: not all Indian guys from India are horrible like that...some are really nice. but the ones with such conservative thinking should NOT marry a girl from here.

to make a marriage work it takes 2 ppl, if one person is unwilling to see where they went wrong, has a huge ego, unwilling to talk about things & unwilling to get counseling, is controlling, abusive, puts u down...sometimes the damage that's been done is far too great.
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#9
I agree xyz987....

Actually we expect a lot from our partner...Thats why we base our life happiness on them. Thats what I was saying....Love yourself first. Dont expect the other person to do that for you. Once you love yourself, you will be strong and will not tolerate any kind of abuse in a relationship. Love is supposed to be unconditional. It uspets me how many ladies in India tolerate all kinds of abuse from their husbands!!...If they love themselves and are happy with themselves they will not put up with that!!!....I too was very needy ....I was 30 years old at that time....My whole family thought that I will never get married ...so i shud settle fast...the pressure was also high...I myself wanted a husband!!....I was so desperate...I even stopped this usmle track and gave the Indian PG exams for him!!....I was willing to give up USA and go live in India forever with him even....But you see...I was the needy one...and he was using that to his advantage...and to extract all money out of me and my family in the marriage!!...If I was satisfied and happy with myself I would have never even looked at him!!...It all starts from a need....then a person gets desperate and then bad people use them!!...So, in this also he needed those $3000....he was desperate to come to USA....If this guy above was happy and content with his life , he would not even have looked at this woman...and would have peerhaps married another woman from his own locality and been much happier ...still with these great scores and would have still been able to come to USA. So, first and foremost...be happy and content with your own self first. Dont base that happiness on your spouse...What these people think is that i will marry her and go live happily ever after in america!!..Well that doesnt happen!!....and if I would have married my ex i would have been the most miserable woman on the planet!!..I would have probably committed suicide!!....But Thank God he dumped me ...I came back to the USA....and now I live a much better life than what he can ever dream!!....Another thing....Everyone feels best in their home country. My parents who are traditional indian feel at home in india while I feel at home in USA. Our sense of equilibrium is set already. So any disturbance in this will affect us. There are a lot of factors to take into consideration in a cross country marriage....I could write a book!!...but I dont trust any Indian guy any more. My Ex married another doctor lady there...but now when I think of her I feel pity on her ...becoz despite being a doctor there she will have to live as a submissive wife under his rules for the rest of her life!!...I just dont understand how ladies of India can put up with that!!.....
I am still not married and I am happy about it now...I am 33 ...everyone wishes i was married but I love my life. I consider myself too precious to give to people like that...who abuse in the name of love. Many times I dont even feel like getting married....I will marry for love only ...not for money or greencard or whatever....

And yes, the culture in India is so bad....they must be blaming me for the break up....but that doesnt affect me...as I will never go back there. I did nothing wrong. It was not my fault. And if they dont see that then its their problem. But yeah...it was painful going thru it at that time. Watching how he dumped me on the fone like a coward....and was never available to be seen again!!...I just can never trust an Indian guy again. American guys are much better.
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#10
I am so glad to be a citizen of USA, where single people have as much respect and important (if not more ) as the married people!!...Marriage as a matter of fact is not worth it these days...People are afraid to commit these days becoz the divorce rate is so high. But the joys of single life are so many...I have a glowing smile on my face today ...that must have never been there if i had married him.

Also women in the US culture are much much more well respected and given a lot more freedom to live our life here than in India. Nobody can abuse us here. And people here marry for love. Not for family or arranged marriage or money or whatever....
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